Chris Verlod’s Top Ten Greatest Fictional Athletes – The Lo-Down

All this week Damien and Jason have given their 50 greatest athletes in the last 50 years which you can catch up with here. Then they gave me the task to come up with the greatest fictional athletes.  Luckily for me my friend Rob and I have been debating this question for about 20 years.  But before I get into my top 10.  I came up with a few rules to MY list.

Rule 1

This is my list so I’m only choosing characters from movies.  I’m not going to compare athletes from Ballers, Eastbound and Down, Coach, or even the short lived ESPN series Playmakers to athletes in movies.  I’m also not taking books into consideration because I’m not reading anything for this list.

Rule  2

The athletes had to be completely fictional.  You can’t choose Muhammad Ali from Ali, or Michael Oher from The Blind Side.  This was a big blow to one of my original picks in the top ten which would be Frank Dux in Bloodsport.  Now the story might be fictional, but Frank Dux is a real person.

Rule 3

No Kids!  People have already told me that Benny “The Jet” Rodriguez, Daniel LaRusso, or Icebox from Little Giants should be in the top 10.  Let’s face it, every professional athlete in the world was the best athlete in their school, and that doesn’t mean they’re the greatest of all-time.  Even the kids from Mighty Ducks 2 might have been the best players in the world, but when they moved to Eden Hall Academy for high school only Adam Banks made the Varsity Team.  That also means Air Bud is out too.  He won one middle school championship.  That doesn’t make him a world class athlete.

Rule 4

I’m going to have to make a judgement call on how a career is going to turn out, or had turned out based from the information from the movie.  I can’t choose Forrest Gump because he didn’t go pro after college, and he was only an exhibition table tennis player.  It’s a no go for Johnny Utah from Point Break because he got his “knee folded back 90 degrees the wrong way, went through two years of surgery, and missed his window.” I also can’t pick Bobby Boucher Jr. from The Waterboy because when given the chance he decided to stay in college.

Rule 5

No magic or special powers. I’m trying to think of these athletes in the real world.  That means Calvin Cambridge from Like Mike is out, and everyone in Space Jam can’t be considered.

With all that out of the way let’s get on to the list.

Number 10 – Ernie McCracken/Kingpin

The first time we see Ernie McCracken he is in the finals against Roy Munson, and we know he’s at the top of his game in 1979.  Fast forward to 1995 and he’s winning the biggest tournament in the sport, and walking out with one million dollars.  That means that he has been dominating the sport of bowling for at least 16 years.

Number 9 – Chazz Michael Michaels/Blades of Glory

Amazing world figure skater who won gold in both the singles and doubles of the World Winters Sports games, but I’ll let Jim Lampley let you know everything you need to know about the greatest figure skater in the world.

Number 8 – Happy Gilmore/Happy Gilmore

When he found the game of golf he became the greatest drivers in the history of the game.  The only thing keeping him from being the greatest of all-time was his short games.  Chubbs was able to help Gilmore find his happy place and win the Tour Championship against Shooter McGavin.  He even did it after being hit by a FREAKING car, and putting past a downed TV tower on the green.  This was no doubt the first of many Gold Jackets for Happy Gilmore.

Number 7 – Fran Stalinovskovichdaviddivichski/Dodgeball

Fran Stalinovskovichdaviddivichski is from Romanovia, where dodgeball is the national sport, and is known as the “Deadliest Woman on Earth with a Dodgeball.”  I’ll let White Goodman make a proper introduction.

Number 6 – Jack Parkman/Major League 2

Jack Parkman is a catcher who is known for his “Schimmy” which either drives the women of Cleveland crazy, or makes them puke, depending on who he’s playing with.  He signs as a free agent and the fans say you can add at least 42 homeruns to the lineup.  What’s insane about that statement is the most home runs a catcher has hit in a season is 43 which was Javy Lopez in 2003. Parkman is averaging 42!  He’s also a clutch hitter.  He brings the White Sox back from a 3 to 0 deficit in the ALCS.  He hit a walk off 3-run home run in Game 4 and another in Game 5. In Game 7 he crushes Rube Baker at the plate, and hits a go ahead 3 run home run.  I know he makes the last out, but he had to have been the first to win the ALCS MVP for a losing team.

Number 5 – Lewis Scott/Celtic Pride

Lewis Scott is the greatest fictional basketball player of all time.  Lewis Scott had a bunch of nobodies on his team, and basically on his own, beat the Celtics on the road twice to win the NBA Finals.  Everybody on the Celtics knows that he’s their only option, and they still can’t stop him. He is the face of the NBA at the time,  so much so that you can not change channels without seeing one of his commercials from Nike to Oscar Meyer. But that’s not all.  In between Game 6 and Game 7 he gets completely trashed in a bar, is kidnapped, and still comes back to beat the Celtics.

Number 4 – Apollo Creed/Rocky 1-4

Some say that Rocky is the greatest fictional Athlete, but with a record of 57 wins (54 KOs), 23 losses, and 1 draw, Rocky Balboa wouldn’t make a top 100 list.  So, Apollo Creed is the only logical choice.  If  Creed retired after his first fight with Rocky you could make an argument that he’s the greatest fictional athlete of all time.  In Rocky they make him out to be a “technical boxer,” but Apollo’s record going into the fight was 47 and 0 with 47 KOs.  That is BONKERS!  Rocky was the only fighter to go the distance with the Champ at the time.  He’s also known for some of the greatest entrances in boxing history.  Unfortunately for Creed he loses to Rocky in the rematch, and is killed by Ivan Drago in a fight that was “SUPPOSED TO BE AN EXIBITION”!!!!!

Number 3 – Mr. Mertle/The Sandlot

Mertle was a better hitter than Babe Ruth and he would’ve broken his record, but he took a fastball to the head and lost his vision.

Number 2 – Kelly Robinson/I Spy

Kelly Robinson is the greatest boxer and showman on earth.  When we first see him he is defending his Super Middleweight Championship on a Saturday in Vegas.  He wins with a first round KO and for more competition he fights in Budapest Hungry 4 days later. He’s helping the the Bureau of National Security, and while he’s distracted with a contact lens with a camera in it he is knocked down for the first time, but he is still able to come back and knock out his opponent in the third round.

Number 1 – Steve Nebraska/The Scout

Steven Nebraska is discovered in a small town in South Central Mexico, and is known there as the greatest baseball player alive.  He’s a pitcher that hit 109 mph in his tryout for the MLB, and is a switch hitter with incredible power.  After seeing just one pitch George Steinbrenner tells his GM to do whatever it takes to get Nebraska.  Because of the deal they made Nebraska could not play for the Yankees unless they make the World Series.  Nebraska starts Game 1 of the series where the Yankees win 2 to 0 over the St. Louis Cardinals.  The first pitch that Nebraska sees in the Majors he crushes for 425 ft home run.  But his most impressive feet is throwing a perfect game with 81 pitches for 81 strikes with 27 strikeouts.  His last pitch is a 112 mph fastball that takes out both the catcher and the umpire.

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